Телеграм канал «Adonay»

ያልተሰየመ ያልተቦረሸ - ፲፩ ነበር ኑሮ ደስታ ነበር ኑሮ ህይወት መሃይም እያለሁ ፊደላት ሳልቆጥር ቁጥር ሳላሰላ ሳላኝክ ወረቀት ጥበብን ሳልበላ ያኔ ነበር ደስታ ያኔ ነበር ህይወት ስደመም በፀሃይ ስደመም በፍቅርሽ ስፈዝ በጨረቃ ስፈዝ በፈገግታሽ አሁን ግን አውቄ አሁን ግን ቀልሜ ባደፉ ክታቦች ባረጁ መፃሃፍት ውበትን ደብድቤ አድምቼ ገደልኳት ፀሃይ ደበዘዘች ጨረቃ ከሠመች ፍቅር ሆነች ቁጥር ውበት ሆነች ፊደል ከብቤ እራሴን ቃርሜ ቃርሜ ፍቅር አልባ ህይወት ውበት አልባ እውቀት ኦና አውድማ ላይ ክምር ከምሪያለሁ ለእርብትብት ጉልበቴ ለቆመ ብልቴ ለእስትንፋሴ ማጠር ለልቤ ትርታ ከግም እውቀቴ ላይ “ባይሎጂ” ጠራለሁ ካደፈ ክታቤ “ሆርሞን” እቆጥራለሁ Adonay / @AdonayInks

Letters We Never Sent (02) His POV (Adonay) You know I still think about you. I think about you when I wake up and miss that I can't stay in bed cuddling with you till the sun comes bursting into our room and you rush to go to work (God, your boss must hate me). I think about you while I work, because what's the point of working if I can't make you proud; no achievement, no accolade can ever come within a mile of your soft hugs, the way you caress my hair and whisper in my ear how you're proud of me. I think about you when I am with my family; they tease me — they never come out and say it, but I know they wonder where you went. They see the pain in my soul while I smile and tell them, "This happens; she is fine and so am I." I know my mom still thinks about how beautiful our kids would have been. I think about you late at night, when I sit at the bar by my apartment, a drink in my hand, a cigarette in the other, music in my ears, the stars in my eyes and your constant thought in my head. I stay silent and I don't react; passersby probably think I am at peace and contemplating existence... but I am raging inside! Raging because I lost you, raging because you slipped through my fingers, raging about what had happened, raging about what might have been, raging because I am supposed to be yours, you are supposed to be mine... but alas, here we are, worlds apart, so close but so far away yet. My love, my devotion, my north star while I am lost in the dark... I wonder: do you rage like I do? Do you think about me too? Or have I become a distant memory? Have you forgotten about me? I won't blame you, you know. They say, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." What idiots they must be! No true lover can utter those words, and you are a true lover — how can you not rage like I do? How can you live at peace with existence knowing what could have been between me and you? Tell me, my love, tell me, one who was made for me: are you at peace? This was A Decaf Koko × Adonay Joint Decaf Koko: Instagram & Substack Adonay: @AdonayInks

Letters We Never Sent (01) Her POV (Decaf Koko) I think about how strange it is to live with someone’s absence as if they were just a random stranger. But you were not just a stranger; you were the moon and the stars, the full galaxy I dreamed about my whole life. But my dream lingered like a hopeless child, waiting for something to happen, and that something never came. I wonder if I am mourning you, but you are still alive, living your best life with the people you love the most – with the people you chose to put in your life. I keep circling the same questions in my head, the ones I will never ask out loud. What would have happened if we had been a little softer, if we had been less proud, if we had not let our ego lead us, if you had said what you really meant instead of what you thought would keep you in control, if I had spoken more and not let the silence lead me around? My mind is a mess… We built a house from unspoken expectations, waiting for its foundation to hold, never stopping to wonder if it could. You, the brightest mind, and I, the endless overthinker – how did we not see it through? There are moments I catch myself laughing genuinely, and then a sudden guilt rushes through me; I think about you. Is he having fun too? My joy can only come at your expense. But there are nights that I can't sleep because I see you on every corner of my room. That is when I realise I am still tethered to something that does not belong to me; you never belonged to me. I do hate you sometimes; I don't even know how you make me feel exactly. What I hate the most about you is how you made me doubt love. I felt like love became a test I could never pass, no matter how many times I bent myself to be someone more agreeable, someone easier to hold. And yet everything I did was unbearable. Love was never a battlefield, but we kept showing up armed anyway. You with your silence, me with my questions. You with your freedom, me with my devotion. You with your lies, me with my truth. You with your calm, me with my fire. You with your doubts, me with my faith. You with your fear, me with my courage. You with your hesitation, me with my certainty. And somewhere in between, we lost sight of the fact that we were supposed to be on the same side. And somewhere in between we lost sight of the one thing that mattered; we were supposed to be on the same side. So here I am wondering how two people could want each other this much and still learn how to love without breaking. What a shame, right? This was A Decaf Koko × Adonay Joint Decaf Koko: Instagram & Substack Adonay: @AdonayInks